As some of you know, I am in love with my 1999 Land Rover Discovery. His name is Nigel. Nigel is no oridinary car. He is in fact a cantankerous duhty Englishman trapped in a chrome and steel tank. (And when I say he is duhty, well, he really is. He hasn't been properly bathed in over a year.) Nothing on Nigel works well anymore. His hatch hasn't opened in years (I may have taken him off roading which caused his, er, boot, to get of alignment. Of course MY version of off roading is just that...I often take a dirt road short cut from town to get home.) His window motor is busted. His gear box is totally messed up. He leaks. His radio hasn't worked in years. His leather seats are cracked. The rear view mirror is hanging by a thread. Eh, the list goes on. But I love him anyway because in spite of all the above, he is still my boy. This week Nigel nearly gave up the ghost (for the 4th time in two years.) He always says the same thing before I dial the repair shop. "I'm not worth it darling." Below are two snatches of conversations which reflect these recent events.
Anyone else here have a crush on their car? If so, I'd love to hear about it! I'd also LOVE to read stories that feature a car crush if anyone has a rec!
Adventures with Nigel
Me: What was THAT?
Nigel: Waaaamp-cr-cr-cr-ooof-sputter-splat!
Me: (Sighing) Not again...
Nigel: Sorry, Ducks. Yes, I'm afraid it's either curtains or the wrecker for me, love. Your call, of course. But as you know...I'm not worth it, darling. Please...no heroics. We agreed. Remember the DNR...just...let me go naturally. You can always buy a... (ugh) VOLVO. You'll be happy driving like a Cu...(painful groan) Cullen.
Me: Oh for Chr- Okay. Yeah. Whatever. (dialing Taylor's auto repair.)
Taylors auto: Yo-this is Frank.
Me: Hey Frank, it's me, Jay-
Frank: Nigel's girl?
Me: Uh. Yeah. Nigel's girl.
Frank: Suicide watch again?
Me: Oh yeah and it's bad this time Frank; really bad. He...he's given up.
Frank: (Sighing) Okay, I'll let Tony know to bring the defribulator when he arrives with the wrecker. You at the college?
Me: Yes. But Frank...please. This time be honest.
Frank: Yeah, yeah. You're getting as bad as he is, sweetheart. Okay. I'll be honest. I'll call you in the morning and let you know whether to bring in your checkbook or to pick up his death certificate
The following afternoon
Nigel: Hallo Darling!
Me: Pfft. Don't you, Hallo Darling me, you limey scone sucking hack. I'm sick and tired of listening to you go on about how it's "curtains" and all that "I'm not worth it Darling" crap. What happened to having your fender curl up in repose, huh? Seriously...I love you Nigel, but this constant drama...I just can't take it anymore. I swear you are the biggest drama queen I've ever known and I have a BA in theatre for God sakes.
Nigel: Frank happened.
Me: Huh?
Nigel: You asked me what happened to my morose and brooding sentiments regarding my will to live and I'm answering your question, Love. Frank happened.
Me: Frank. You mean the mechanic?
Nigel: Frank isn't just a mechanic, Ducks. The man is a automobile psychologist. He is also a relationship therapist. He's from Southern California. He helped me channel my karma, baby.
Me: Good Lord. Okay. I get it. So, uh, DUDE. Are you, like, totally going to crank for me?
Nigel: Dirty Girl, of course I'll crank for you. But you have to put The Beach Boys in my complicated CD player and let me chill first. And no more swearing at me. Frank says we have to talk TO each other, not AT each other. He also says a little Saint John’s Wort would do you a world of good.
Me: Who are you and what have you done to my Nigel?
Nigel: I'm still me Darling. I let you go through your revolting little mid life crisis, so please allow me to indulge in my own. Oh, and Ducks? Can you please call Frank and ask him about those hemp seat covers he was telling me about?
Me: (Dialing Taylor’s Auto) Frank? We need to talk.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7716152/1/Take_What_You_Want
Take What You Want » reviews
Based on January 2012 witfit prompts. Though Bella's known Edward for years, they've just started hanging out. His crass, smelly boy self is not appealing, but his looks and charm are. How will she deal with her feelings for the gross, flirty boy?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Angst - Chapters: 13 - Words: 32,490 - Reviews: 984 - Updated: 1-27-12 - Published: 1-6-12 - Edward & Bella