So, long story short, I introduced my big brother to the Twilight series...aka...I forced him to watch the DVD one afternoon when he was sick and didn't have the strength to fight.
He hated the movie, but agreed to read the book when I promised him it would be a lot better.
He read it.
He liked it.
He went out and bought the rest of the series.
And things were great. We laughed about how he hated Bella more and more with each passing book. His famous quote is: " You know what I really wish? I wish there was a way for Jacob to turn her into a werewolf. That would fix her." I teased him about the fact that he was probably Team Jacob because most of his exgirlfriends had treated him exactly the way Bella treated Jacob.
But then he got to Breaking Dawn.
The first phone call came after Bella's impregnation. And it went a little something like this: "You've gotta be f*ckin kidding me! How the hell did she get pregnant? Edwards DEAD!"
Then there was the phone call after the imprint: "SM is playing some sorta colossal joke on you people, you know that right? There's no way in hell that this is really how this is supposed to play out."
And then the phone calls stopped. When I called him to find out what he thought of the rest of the book he said: "I donated that shit to the used book drive at work. The whole thing was one long ass episode of Days of Our Lives, but with vampires. Guess what I'm going to do the next time you recommend a book to me." And then he hung up.
Now I'm not here to debate the merits of BD, I'm here because I need to redeem myself. I need THE BEST BD FanFic there is. I need it to be mildly smutty, but high end quality shit. Preferably a story that picks up after the fad to black on Isle Esme, but includes NO PREGNANCY, NO FETAL IMPRINTING, and a bit of Voltouri action wouldn't hurt.
Am I asking too much? Does this story even exist? Please help. The fate of all future Thanksgivings Dinners rests on me mending this fence.
And this is totes OT, but you people are so amazing, so here you go, a little LoTR eye candy, my way of saying thanks.