My editor totally busted me. I had an assignment in my home economics class that required me to write a report on parenting this week. To do the assignment, it was suggested that we spend time with a child, under the age of ten, for at least an hour. We could do this by babysitting, or hanging out with a neighbor or niece or nephew or whatever. I was totally going to fake it for my paper. But then I figured out how to actually get my assignment done AND make my deadline for this interview.
He might not be the typical person you’d expect to read about here in my column, but I happen to think he’s a pretty cool kid. Plus- his dad is a total dilf. (Not sure if I can write that here. But I suppose my editor will take it out if he needs to.)
Here is my interview with Anthony.
***
Me: Okay. So like... Anthony? Your teacher said it would be okay for me to like, talk to you today. About stuff. Because people like you and want to get to know about you. Is that okay with you?
A: (He shrugged.) Okay. Miss Swan said it was okay?
Miss Swan is Anthony’s teacher. And let me tell you, I really had to convince her that I was doing a legitimate project for school. I appealed to her teacher-side. You know… to help me be the best I can be and succeed academically and blah blah blah. But seriously, she’s like WAY over-protective of this kid. And she was very strict about the kind of things I could talk to him about. Because for a little dude, he’s been through a lot. I mean, like… he lost his Mom and his Grandma recently. And he’s sort of just getting to know his Dad. That’s the hottie I mentioned before. So I had to be careful with this kid. Or I was pretty sure ‘Miss Swan’ would step right out of those teacher-shoes and kick my butt.
Me: Sure. She's like… totally cool with it. So...you're like... really short, huh?
A: No! I'm not short! I'm big like a 5-yr-old. I can reach the pencil sharpener all by myself.
Me: Wow. That's... impressive.
A: What's a-pressive?
Me: IM-pressive. You know what? Nevermind. Let’s just get on with the interview. Your teacher thought you might like it if I interviewed you outside on the merry-go-round or something. But I drank like a large mochachino a little while ago and I thought I might hurl and maybe this would be a little more quiet than the playground anyway. So... you like your teacher, huh?
A: Uh-huh. I like the merry-go-round, too
Me: Yeah, well, like I said. That's not gonna happen. What do you like best about your teacher?
A: Um...she smells good. And she's nice and she gives me crackers and I got to sleep in the blue bed at her house.
Me: You sleep at her house? Does she like… baby sit you for your Dad?
A: Uh-huh. But I don't sleep there every time.
Me: That's cool I guess. So.. uh.. what do you do for fun?
A: Play at recess...play soccer. I have a soccer ball from Miss Swan. And I can color with five crayons at the same time!
Me: Woo-hoo. Ummm... What is your favorite thing to do when you AREN'T with Miss Swan?
A: Play with Gus.
Me: Who is Gus?
A: He's my friend. He lives in box in the top of the closet.
(Okay. So this kid was cute. Like REALLY cute. But so was that little creepy girl from Poltergeist. Right? So I was kinda freaked a little about his ‘friend’ that lived in a box in the closet. But I was sorta hoping it was just some imaginary thing and not like a scary ghost or something that would like come after me just because I was talking to Anthony one day at school.)
Me: Alright then. What do you and Gus talk about? When he's not in a box on the top of your closet?
A: Um...we talk about Grandma and Mommy and if Grandpa still has a wheelie chair.
(Alright. SO not spooky. Anthony was blushing, and it kinda just made me want to pick him up and hug him. You know, if I wasn’t wearing my new pink sweater and everything.)
Me: Anthony... you are really kinda cute. Who do you look more like? Your Mom or your Dad?
A: Well...Mommy is a girl. I'm not a girl
(I snorted a little. Anthony seemed kind of amused by the sound. I just had to remind myself that he was five.)
Me: So you look like your dad? Because he's a boy?
A: Yeah. And his hair is the same.
Me: Do you have anything else that's the same? And I mean that in a totally over-the-clothes kind of way.
(I think I confused the kid.)
A: Um...we have a same Happy Meal toy because I got two orange cars so now he has one and I have one. And he has a blue shirt like me.
Me: You know Anthony? You're a totally cool little kid. Maybe I could babysit you sometime so your Dad can go out. I totally helped my cousin babysit this one kid one night. But when we were playing hide-and-go-seek he shut himself into the dryer. And he fell asleep in there and we couldn't find him for like, eight hours. But it wasn't so bad because they were playing a marathon of 90210 so we totally weren't bored. And he was asleep so he didn't care either. But I'd be way more responsible and stuff if it was just me and you.
(Oh, no. I think I scared him or something.)
A: 
I don't wanna go in the dryer...
Me: Oh honey… I wouldn't put you in there.
A: Miss Swan babysits me.
Me: Yeah, yeah. Miss Swan. Okay. I get it. (And Miss Swan was looking a little worried. Probably because Anthony got all upset over that whole dryer-thing. She was walking toward us.)
I think your lunch time is about over. Better pack up that lunchbox kid. I need to get back to school too.
A: It has Superman on it.
Me: It might be the coolest lunchbox I’ve ever seen. See ya around, huh Anthony?
A: Okay. Bye!
---
I really wanted to give Anthony a hug. But… he kinda looked like he didn’t really want me to. Besides, Miss Swan looked like she was all business and I didn’t want to take any chances on upsetting him again. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be pretty. All in all, I think the interview went really well. And hopefully my Home-Ec. teacher will look past the whole dryer-incident in my report, too.