So, I'm here slaving away over the first draft of my final short story for my minor, and I feel that it is especially crappy for a first draft, and it's due today. I was wondering if, although it's certainly not happy and it's certainly not twilight, someone would be willing to give it a once over and let me know what they think: what works, what's majorly confusing, what needs to be refocused, etc.
I normally wouldn't ask this, but:
(1) I can't go to my normal first read people (namely my mom and my best friend) because the piece is pretty connected to things that recently happened in my family and my mom, especially wouldn't appreciate/make it through the story, and my best friend is crazy bogged down with final papers and such as well
(2) As the story is based on real people I know personally, it's hard to be objective
(3) I really don't want to fail this class and end up being a super-super-senior
EDIT: The story is about 8,040 words.
For your time:

Or my new crush:
AKA
AKA