At dawn I rolled off the couch having spent the night musing over forgotten connections to some 80's music, and learning that friends, of various shapes and sizes, can show up in strange places and remind you of who you are, and what you're made of. Today, my day was made of French Toast Sticks. My little (soon middle) hoblet seeks them daily, and I'm more than happy to oblige. The missus, hurdling ever toward the birth of our 3rd, and a bit crankier of late by finances (and the blame is mine...but challenging), indicated she'd like a little coffee. She was sure to remind me when she stepped out that she needed it a little different, a little lighter than my usual octane. I noted the scoops and delivered the coffee on spec (I hope...). A short time later she had to bounce the younger guy out to school.
And so, off he went. The proud mommy strolled back into the house to have coffee while I spelunked a little further closer to this little gem. (Which, by the way, has its own somewhat surprising dark corners...yikes).
This is, unfortunately where the lightness of the day ended. An argument opened up a series of regrettable events that continuously created gaps in our ability to get back eye to eye. I was presented with an ultimatum. That was, where in order to keep her here, kids and all, I would have to have a written offer from someone to work by the end of the day. Despite what I felt was a pretty solid interview, and some good discussion, a written offer would not be made. Needless to say, I failed, and they're gone. The stipulation was a written offer. Despite the best efforts of a good friend doing what he thought was a favor, no such offer turned out to meet the criteria. First she packed up the kids, and then tried (had to step in, instead of watching a 7 month+ pregnant woman lug a suitcase through the house, I had to make sure if she was going to leave me, she did it safely). Dad always used to say, jokingly, be careful, there's a little person in there, and so it meant exactly that, at that time.
Figuring there was going to be some fallout, I tried to steady the ship as best I could. Its not been easy. She had so many requests which got set aside, and so many opportunities to help her which have been routinely set down by this streaking bloody need for a job.
Despite that, and all the simply aweful exchanges we've had, I think I've come to one simple fact that sums up my life in a day. Knowing what she needed from me has forced me to consider my own quality as a person in all aspects of life, in order to try to improve them. And I know what she wants and what she deserves, and I'd like to think I can be that person. I've run from everything in life so far. From nasty playground kids, from people that clearly wanted nothing more than to kick my ass, and from the truth so many times I can't even remember, and lately, even my own imagination...but I'm learning to walk. And I'm learning to walk, because I know it means something to her. And once I learn to walk, I'll find whatever direction she goes in, and I'll start off step by step until I find her. And if she says yes, I'd marry her again on the spot.
I know the kids, all three, deserve a loving home. Its never the intention of people to do things that will almost inevitably lead to, even by sheer consequence, a broken idea of what love is. I'm not sure how we got here. There's been such a break down in communication and trust over time, that I can't really say where I lost track of how much I really love her, and want them all to know. I want my kids to stop saying things which are hurtful to each other and avoid them at all times generally, and the only way to do that is through the provision of a home that isn't filled with hurtful talk, or nasty actions. More importantly, a home needs to be free of the demons that torment an imagination which knows no trust. If our best source of measurement of all things in the world is a computer system, we have much to learn as a human race. The measure of who each of us is, or can be, is our capacity and potential for good. That potential is only unlocked and driven by love...true honest and meaningful love.
While I thought this would have made a decent campfire story at the start, it turns out its not really such a great story at all. Just a failure to learn when to slow down, and enjoy life as we all should. If anything, its a campfire tale to warn of the consequences of not realizing your potential for good until you're knee deep in rotten. The upside, is that, this day isn't over yet...so the story doesn't end here. I didn't walk this trail for blisters...I did it because I love my wife and kids, and I want them to have the opportunities to be happy they've deserved. Here's hoping I don't get shot...