Okay, so like, seriously. I think that maybe meeting deadlines with these interviews is like, totally stressing me out or something. I mean, it really could have been the veggie-chimichanga that I ate before bed. Oh- and I’ve been reading a Jane Austen novel for my literature class. That might have something to do with it. But whether it was stress, spicy foods, or reading about romantic heroines… I had a really weird dream. Since it was Saturday and I knew I didn’t have to worry about getting up early for class or anything, I totally just went with it. I found myself walking into a parlour dressed for proper English tea.
Did you know that underneath all of those layers and skirts that women wore in like, 1815, they didn’t wear underwear? I didn’t either. Until I dreamed it. And since I was interviewing a really pretty girl in my dream named Alice, I decided to be sure to ask her about the whole ‘going commando’ issue while I was getting to know her. So… here’s what happened when I interviewed Alice in my dream.
***
Me: Well, first... I'd like to thank you for taking the time to uh.. do this interview for me. Even though, it's like totally weird that I have to wear this dress and all this stuff. I feel like my Uncle when he goes to those civil war reenactments. Only I'm pretty sure he gets to wear underwear. And if he doesn’t… I don’t wanna know about it.
Alice: Oh, you know the Civil War? Damn Roundheads. And what is this ... underwear of which you speak?
Me: Ohh... you know. Panties? Boy shorts? G-strings... t-bars? Underwear... you know. To wear under your... oh. Nevermind. So... how old are you?
Alice: I am not yet nineteen.
Me: Yeah, well. I’m not yet nineteen either. But then again, I’m not yet eighteen, either.
(I totally waited for her to giggle or something. She totally didn’t get that I was joking.)
Me: Okay. And you live in this house... which is awesome, by the way... with who?
Alice: Alton House was my family's ancestral home for many generations. It now belongs to our very distant cousin Sir Emmett, who has graciously allowed us to stay with him while our new house is being prepared. We have had the extraordinary luck to have fine gentlemen stay here as Sir Emmett's guests. Mr. Cullen and Mr. Whitlock.
(When she mentioned the last dude, she totally started blushing. I’m guessing that women haven’t changed that much in all these years. She must be totally crushing on this Whitlock guy.)
Me: What can you tell me about your houseguests?
Alice: Well, Mr. Cullen seems to be a bit aloof, although it seems to me he has formed a bit of an attachment to my cousin Bella. Mr. Whitlock is the kindest, gentlest, strongest, and handsomest man one could ever hope to meet. Oh, and did I mention intelligent? And handsome?
(Yep. I was right. She’d totally go toe-up for this guy.)
Me: You kinda seem like you have a thing for Mr. Whitlock
Alice: Me? Why, I ...
Me: That's totally okay. I mean... I get it. I've liked this guy named Mike for like... I don't know. At least three years. And we are totally, totally meant to be. I mean, once I get him to figure it out. Ya know? So... isn't it hard to like, date and stuff? For you? I mean... don't you have some weird societal rules about being proper and all that stuff?
Alice: I do indeed. My cousin taught me that sometimes, men need a little nudge in the right direction.
Me: Your cousin sounds like my kind of girl.
Alice: Oh, am I sure you and Bella would be the best of friends. Oh… and when you asked about dating? Do you mean courting? Yes, it is quite amusing to constantly be in the presence of a chaperone. Although, just between you and me, there are ways to be alone with a gentleman. Oh, please, never mention that to Mama.
Me: Oh God! Well... that's one thing that hasn't changed. I don't want my Mother to know what I've been up to either! I want to know a little more about what it's like being you. Give me three pros and three cons to being... who you are…where you are or when you are.
Alice: Well, I suppose the best aspects of my life are having lots of pretty frocks, never having to empty the chamber pot, and having the sweetest sister and cousin a girl could ever want.
Me: I saw a family portrait in the hall. Don’t you have more than one sister?
Alice: Oh, yes, I do. Jane is my younger sister.
(Okay. So that’s when Alice gave me sort of a weird stare. And I know it was a dream and everything. But she really had me curious.)
Me: You aren't as close with her?
Alice: Well, of course I love her - she is my sister. But... she is a bit wild.
Me: Oh my god. I totally know what you mean. I mean... like... I don't have a sister. But I have a cousin who is totally wild. And just because she gives bejayskis to just like anyone, the guys she hangs out with like totally think I'll do the same. But that's for like... at least the third or fourth date. Ya know. But it's probably not appropriate for the school paper anyway. So... what is your favorite way to pass the time?
Alice: I'm sorry? bejayskis?
Me: Moving on:
Hobbies? Pass-times? And how do you stand wearing these dresses? I mean really! It makes my boobs look good and everything. But I can hardly breathe!
Alice: Yes, we [nineteenth century] women fill our days with numerous important activities. Sewing, playing and instrument, singing, painting, speaking French, a little reading...
Me: What about shopping? Like... the mall?
Alice: The mall? In front of Buckingham Palace?
Me: You know what? Nevermind. I need to go. I haven't been without my underwear this long since like... Junior prom. And to be honest, I am really kinda hoping that if I start meditating about like hot guys with their shirts off or something, I can still salvage what’s left of this REM time. Ya know? Oh- speaking of hot guys…Good luck with Mr. Whitlock... and thanks for the interview!
Alice: It has been my pleasure, Miss Stanley. But I assure you - I have taken luck out of the equation with Mr. Whitlock.
***
Then she winked at me. Winked. This blushing, simpering miss winked and blushed… and she didn’t have me fooled for one second. She totally knew what a bejayski was. I have a feeling underneath all of that satin and ribbon, we were more alike than I would have ever guessed. Aside from the whole underwear thing. I mean, really. Gross.