Okay. So I seriously had a sit-down interview planned for this week. But a family emergency (you’ll read about it later) forced me to miss my appointment on Saturday. I decided to do this instead. I totally got the idea for this from some morning news show. I don’t remember who… some tool in an ugly suit. But he called random people in the phone book and did interviews on the fly. You know… just to prove that every normal-type person has a story to tell. Well… I didn’t pick a number from the phone book. I just dialed a bunch of numbers until I found one that worked. After I blocked my own number, of course. Not like I do that, when I’m calling Mike or anything. You just never know what kind of psychos you might find on accident!
***
Me: Hello? This is Jessica calling. I'm writing a feature for the Forks High Herald. And I dialed this number randomly to prove that like, ANYONE has a story to tell. If you aren't like, totally weirded out by the idea.... you know of talking to a stranger and all... I was kinda hoping you wouldn't mind doing a little interview with me for my story? I promise... I'm not a weirdo or anything. I can totally give you my editor's phone number and everything.
? : Ummm..okay? Just, well, I only have a minute
Me: Oh awesome! I can talk like, really fast. And I really appreciate it. Can I ask your name?
? : Bella
Me: Hi Bella. That's a pretty name. Way more interesting than 'Jessica.' I swear... I know about twenty Jessicas. So anyway, I dialed your number, like randomly. Can you tell me where you are located? Not like your address or anything. Just in general.
B: I live in a cabin. Not really near anything. I think there is a small town about thirty miles away. I've only been once though. Oh, it's in North Carolina, but kind of near Tennessee. I’m not exactly sure.
Me: Wow. Is it like totally remote? I mean... you have a phone. So I'm guessing you have electricity? Oh My God! Do you have running water? Or worse... internet? I'd die if I couldn't get to facebook.
B: (She was totally laughing for a minute.) Well, I was a little startled when the phone rang. I wasn't really sure we had one. No one ever calls here. We have a computer...internet I guess. Really though, we hunt most of the time.
Me: We? Who do you live with?
B: Oh. My um...I'm not sure what you would call him. He's a boy. Or man. Or something, I don't know. He smells very good and we live here together. It's his house.
Me: And you like to hunt? Oooh... you aren't like.... that Sarah Palin woman all "I'm gonna fly around and shoot some wolves out of my helicopter" like.... that woman really scares the crap out of me. But she's got nice hair. (I can totally rock an Alaskan accent. If I do say so myself. I live in Washington. I can practically see Alaska from my back porch. Ha ha. See what I did there?)
B: I don’t think hunting out of a helicopter would be very useful--unless we were jumping out. Edward would probably like that. I do like to hunt, though. I was surprised too. At first it was a little messy and my clothes would get dirty and bloody but I'm better now. Edward is impressed. Last week I took down a eight- point buck all by myself. I shared though.
Me: That sounds really ‘texas-chainsaw massacre-y’. But hey- when in the woods... right? I mean... what else are you and your boy-man-who-smells-good going to do with your time? Seriously though.... do you have any hobbies?
B: We don't really sleep...um, ever. So, we spend most of our time hunting, or reading. Edward works in the barn on his projects. Sometimes he lets me smash the pieces of glass. The rest of the time Edward is kind of my hobby. I try to keep it on the DL but I really like him a lot.
Me: Can you tell me how you happened to live all the way out in the middle of BFE with this guy?
B: Well, I was friends with his sister--I'd never really met him, I mean the one time I did we were still in high school. And he was a total jerk. So anyway, my friend suggested I take this hiking trip, and she gave me this marked map and everything and next thing I know, I'm lost and it's snowing and this HUGE lion thing is trying to eat me for dinner. I don't really remember much after that for like a couple weeks. But when I woke up, I was with Edward, the jerk, and things just kind of progressed from there.
Me: And Edward is the boy-man?
B: YES--how crazy is that?
Me: See? I told my editor I could get, like a totally awesome interview this way. Almost noshed on by a mountain lion? And reunited with some old high school asshat in the remote wilderness? Now you two are sharing a cozy little love shack? That's amazing!
B: I know. It really is. I'm pretty sure his sister had something to do with it. She's kinda nosy.
Me: She gave you a map! Do you think she wanted you to find her brother?
B: I think so. This family of theirs, it's not traditional. They seem to be all in each others business. I'm not completely used to this.
Me: At least you can practice like... in-law avoidance. You live in the middle of nowhere. Not like I can avoid my relatives. My cousin was over at the house last weekend and we had to spend like four hours in the ER just because her son decided to stick a cheeto up his nose. Totally ruined my day. I mean, I had plans too, ya know?
B: Did he bleed? Were there other bleeding people at the ER? If so can you describe it?
Me: He didn’t bleed. He just blew orange dusty snot for the rest of the day. But yeah… other people were oozing various body fluids. Grossness was all around me. This one guy was brought in after he got in like, I don't know, a motorcycle accident or something. But his arm was like all dangly and gross and there was blood everywhere. I totally wanted to hurl.
(She got quiet for a really long time. I hope I didn’t make her sick or something. I’ve been told that sometimes I give TMI.)
B: ummmmmm... (See? Translation: TMI) That sounds... interesting. We’re not really allowed to go near people right now. You know, in case of motorcycle accidents or nose bleeds or something. And god forbid a paper cut.
Me: Believe me. After spending all that time with the ill and effed-up... I kinda wish I was stuck out in the middle of nowhere too.
B: I miss people, but it’s kind of nice being here with Edward. He was alone for a long time so, he's pretty happy to have me here too. And by happy I mean happy.
Me: Awww.... that makes me really happy too! And I'm like… totally happy that you agreed to talk to me today.
B: Sure, no problem. I haven't spoken to anyone other than Alice or Edward or their dad in months. I was getting a little frazzled but I'm not really allowed to talk to anyone. Maybe you could call back sometime when Edward is out chasing bears.
Me: Sure! I'll totally keep your number and we can chat sometime. Good luck with all of your hunting... and breaking stuff... and hanging out with your boy-man!
B: Thanks, bye.
***
So maybe I lied a little. I mean… I was pretty sure I wouldn’t call her back. We didn’t have a lot in common. She liked to hunt, for Pete’s sake. Except for burgers, I’m pretty much a vegetarian. At least… I would never wear fur. I have my convictions, ya know? But then again, maybe I WOULD call her. You know, if I was being charitable or something. Because God only knows that she would probably appreciate a connection to the real world, after being cooped up in a little cabin in the middle of nowhere all the time. Right? Hell. She said she has internet… maybe I could get her to follow me on Twitter…