I needed a place to post this where others would read it, and the Forest obliges on Fridays. This is my open letter to the editors of Marie Claire, Maura Kelly, and the executives of Hearst publications. It is in response to this.
I have always had a problem with my weight. Not that I was always “fat”. In fact, there was a time in my life when I was too thin…though no one ever noticed. I wake up in the morning and think about the size of my body, my first thoughts (after thoughts of how exhausted and sore I am after a bad night’s sleep) are about how I wish I were thinner. I am medically obese with a BMI of 35, though most people wouldn’t know that by looking at me. And I know I have to lose weight. But doing it the right way is not easy. When you’ve got fifty pounds to lose, at a healthy two pounds a week, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Realistically it would take me a whole year of non-stop dieting to lose this weight. I usually manage to drop ten pounds before I put two back on after a pleasant night out with one too many glasses of wine and a nice desert.
The one time I’ve managed to drop significant weight, I became obsessed with every single calorie that passed my lips and every calorie that would pass my lips in the future. I spent at least thirty percent of my day at work planning meals, counting calories, and thinking about weight loss. I couldn’t focus on anything but the weight loss. I lost the weight, but I lost a lot of other things in the process. My sense of humor, my willingness to socialize, my sex drive, my desire to exercise. When I finally reached a weight where I was wearing clothes that fit me in college, I started feeling really good about myself. I wanted to go out more, do things, have fun…..but I lost focus, and slowly, ever so slowly, so slowly I didn’t even notice until my pants were too tight, I gained back 15 of the 40 pounds I’d lost. And more came on after that.
I am heavier than I have ever been. And I wake up every day, and go to sleep every night, loathing myself for it and trying to love myself anyway. And to make it worse, I'm trying to get pregnant as soon as possible for other health related reasons, and weight loss is only one of my worries. So, when I read Maura Kelly’s blog post on Marie Claire last night, I cried. I cried because I have heard her voice before, from my sister’s mouth, the mouth of a woman who hates herself, a woman who nearly killed herself by starvation because of her fear of fat, and a woman whose lack of self worth has prevented her from achieving the wonderful things she deserves.
Some would say aneorexia is irrational. I’d argue that it’s actually perfectly rational to starve yourself in the face of the disgusting amount of hatred and discrimination a fat person is subjected to every day. If I could do it without destroying the happiness I’ve been able to find in my life, I’d starve myself too; in fact, when I was younger, and a healthy weight, I did. It never got to the level where I was in crisis like my sister, but I denied myself the nourishment I needed to have a healthy body. And I’ve paid the price ever since. My relationship with food is not even remotely healthy. It’s one of those on again off again relationships that is something like death by a thousand cuts. I know this, and I do my best to change it, but unfortunately you can't just have a "clean break" with food. And I try to love myself despite what I perceive as an overwhelming ly popular consensus that I shouldn’t. Apparently, according to Maura Kelly, I should be ashamed to walk across the room. If I believed that, I’d probably be dead or in rehab by now, not healthy.
My struggle with my weight is my own. I wish people would see it that way, as a struggle, and realize that someone who is struggling to overcome a flaw needs love and support, not shame. I would think that Maura Kelly, a person who has dealt with a disease that was so out of her control, would understand that. Would Marie Claire publish an article where the author condescends to individuals who starve themselves, or purge, that all they have to do is eat, or stop shoving their fingers down their throats? Of course not.
I believe the magazine needs to apologize to its readership and everyone who was hurt and offended by Ms. Kelly’s ridiculous article. And I also believe the magazine should seriously consider whether a writer with her point of view has any place working at a magazine that purports to be a positive resource for women of all shapes and sizes. My husband and I have cancelled our subscriptions to Marie Claire and Esquire Magazine. I will also not be purchasing O Magazine, another Hearst publication, until Marie Claire Editorial staff condemns the message in Maura Kelly’s blog, and removes Maura Kelly from staff. I also sincerely hope that Ms. Kelly gets the emotional support and therapy she needs to overcome her own struggle with body image, and finds the strength to love herself despite her flaws.
I'm going to go try an eat my lunch now without crying into it, lol. <3 Happy Weekend Everyone, go out, love yourself, and ENJOY LIFE!