So I was sitting here behind my lappy (that's how I not-so-fondly named my laptop), stalking Twitter minding my own business, when a friend of mine sends me this:
now, before you read, a warning: this is disgusting. seriously. I hope you aren't eating at the moment.
Rather than a verbal answer, he proceeded to show me by lifting me off the floor and sliding his happiness into me Cupping my breasts, he continued kissing. “Your tits are definitely mine and so is your stomach.” Frenching my belly button, he added, “And this is mine, too.” I started giggling as he slid down further. “This is my honeypot; mine. I make it get full of sweet juice that is just for me. Like now. It’s getting all wet and full of honey – just for me."
Didn't I tell you it would make you gag?
Now that we have that piece of crap fine work of art, I'd like to say that I have been writing and reading lemons for more than 10 years now. I know how a crappy one looks, feels, reads, and writes, and let me tell you -- this is a new low for me.
I asked if this was a crackfic, but my friend (who's stuck with betaing this) told me that the author was completely serious. Next thing that came to mind was, "Is this a perverted version of a Winnie the Pooh fic?"
This is monstrosity example above shows pretty much how you should NEVER ever write a lemon.
Let's get one thing straight--in case anyone had doubts about this--women don't have honey flowing from their pussies. They don't. No matter how much sugar you feed your girl, or how many bees you swallow, no honey. Though I think you have bigger problems than your inability to write lemons if you start swallowing bees, but that's another matter...
I'd like to leave you with a rec for something that will get you licking your lips like our sexy Rob up above, so here is a short story (two-shot) that is properly lemony and with a nice HEA: Forgotten Parties by EnchantedSailorBella:
Summary: Bella wakes up with her first ever hangover and a big hole in her memories. She can't remember much from what happened the night before. She rushes into class, and that's when things get a little...odd.
Here's a taste:
Biology, I reminded myself. I was learning about Biology, not Anatomy. Especially the Anatomy of the infuriating man sitting next to me. The one who's bold hand was now resting between my crossed legs. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the part of my brain that told me that I needed to open my legs and allow him access to the point where I was dying for him.
And yes, this one has a good lemon. More than one *smiles*. Leave her some love when you stop by.
Before we part, I am curious to hear what's the worst you've ever seen in a lemon? What's the worst lemon you've ever read? Don't be paranoid shy about brining quotes and links!
Alley Cat.