So I bought three Twilight parodies from Amazon a week ago and I'm currently halfway through the second one. And I'm pleasantly surprised! I didn't really have that high expectations, but they are actually quite good!
Nightlight by The Harvard Lampoon
About three things I was absolutly certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him... that wanted me dead. And, third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogenerously, gynocologically and disreputably wished that he had kissed me.
Pale and klutsy Belle's new to Switchblade, Oregon; Looking for adventure or, at least, an undead classmate. She finds Edwart, a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls. After some stranger-than-strange events - Edwart saves her from a flying snowball! - Belle has a dramatic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. But how can she get him to bite her and so become his eternal bride?
Lemme tell you, this book was crazy! And so funny! And this Bella is totally self-obsessed and really, really strange lol. Her mum is really like a baby, and Edwart is this shy nerd who just nicely puts up with Bellas strange ideas. I just have to write an excerpt from the book:
"So what do you think of this dress, Belle?"
I was in a stiff wooden chair in a holding cell outside the mall's dressing rooms, trapped on all sides by stretch satin. I was surprised by how quickly the other girls had broken down, offering their bodies as host to the parasitic enemy: dress clothes. I soberly realized that combat was inevitable. I would do what was necessary to protect my own species.
"It's very flattering, Lucy," I said cautiously, not wanting to reveal how much I knew.
"What about this?" asked Angelica.
"It brings out the grey in your human brain," I said as naturally as I would if she had one.
Angelica knitted her brow and gave me a wary look. Her parasite was on to me. I had to act fast.
"Angelica-- can I ask you a very personal question because I trust you as a friend?"
"Sure."
I tried to think of something friends ask each other.
"Do you ever worry that your white blood cell count is lower than your other friends? I mean, yes, your immune system is fine, but is it the best?"
And this is how "normal" Bella is throughout the book, lol.
New Moan by Stephfordy Mayo (Actually has a warning that says it contains adult material)
'I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me.'
Heffa Lump is just a typical, pale and interesting seventeen-year-old, who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty. But then she moves to Spatula and meets Teddy Kelledy, an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong and never goes out in sunlight. Could he, just maybe - be a vampire? (Hint: totally.) A tale of first love, painful longing and even more painful pointy teeth, "New Moan" is a hilarious parody of the phenomenon that is Stephenie Meyer's Twilight saga.
I love the Bella in this one! She's totally obsessed with the idea of having sex with Edward (Teddy) and does everything to get him into bed. Edward on the other hand is either very oblivious or very afraid of losing his virginity (I haven't figured out which of them yet, but I think it's the latter). Carlisle is a world famous butcher who really likes to lure his childrens friends into his shop and then eat them (it's not as bad as it sounds lol). Bella is even more self-obsessed in this one, and her big dream is to become the main heroine in a book.
Excerpt:
"Nothing will ever come between us," I reminded him. "We have all the time in the world" My mind drifted into a reviere, years and years of waking up with Teddy, of him watching out for me, with his large horn and his strong arms. I shook myself out of it as we sat side by side on a bench by the school entrance. "Maybe we should take it slow, I don't want to rush into anything. Maybe just some oral to begin with."
"Just talking?"
"Yeah, or that." I smile up at him. It was probably a good idea to get to know each other, likes and dislikes and so on, before we moved our relationship forward, since we hadn't really spoken about anything other than his vampire problem and our deep feelings. "So, tell me, what's your favourite position?"
And just because I found Teddys diary so hilarious I need to show you some of his diary titles:
DAY 1 WITHOUT HEFFA. People killed: 0 (Brilliant, keep it up). Cats killed: 3 (But fairly sure they were feral). Hours spent subsumed in misery: 18 (Disappointing, but it is first day).
DAY 2 W.H. Hours spent hunting: 7 (Bears 4, Wovles 7, Rabbits 18, Goats 25, People 3 - Whoops, will go back on wagon tomorrow). Hours spent subsumed in misery: 5 (V. Good; hunting excellent distraction).
DAY 3 W.H Tourist attractions visited: 1. Vampires met: 0 (Sadly). Americans met: 20. Americans killed: 0 (Go me!). Hours spent in hollow pit of despair: 9½.
TwiLite: A Parody By Stephen Jenner
Love between a teenage girl and a vampire can be a beautiful thing. Then again, it can get a little ugly. Just ask Stella Crow. Stella is a clumsy but otherwise ordinary girl whose life takes a radical turn the moment she meets Edweird. Though perfect on the outside, Edweird Sullen is remarkably unrefined on the inside. He also happens to be a one hundred year old vampire, trapped in the body of a teenage boy, who has yet to finish high school. Nonetheless, Stella is unconditionally smitten with him. But not everything is rosy in this gloomiest of towns. Edweird's enemies have sworn to put a tragic end to their romance. Against all odds, the bond between Stella and Edweird is nearly strong enough for their love to survive. Most love stories between an impossibly handsome vampire and an ungainly young woman have a magical ending. This one - not so much.
Haven't started to read this one yet, except for the 3 first pages to see what it was like. And so far, Stella seems to be the only normal person in the whole book. Ger mum is travelling with a circus as a sidehow freak and her dad wants her to call him 'Police Chief Harley, King Of The Universe'. I guess we'll see how this one plays out.
Anyways, have any of you read a Twilight parody, perhaps one of these? Or am I the only one whos dumb enough to try these out lol? (I recommend the two first btw)
Wow, this turned out to be a loong campfire!