So let me just say, that I’m totally sick of school. Sometimes you just need a break, right? And I mean… of course I’m totally a serious reporter and so I’d never like… be a slacker and miss my deadline for this feature. I mean, people are totally counting on me, right? But like I said, I am way sick of school. So when my cousin called me and asked me to go with her to a party… I actually kinda wanted to go with her for once. Even though I knew I would probably spend the night dodging the pathetic attempts of drunk high school boys trying to get into my pants. Or… skirt. Because I was totally wearing my new skirt. What? It’s cute!
Turns out… I didn’t have to worry so much about silly high school boys. Oh- there were plenty of them in attendance. And most of them were looking at me like I was the last bag of Doritos on Stoner’s Island. But turns out they decided to leave me alone when I got lucky and met the guy that ended up being the subject of this week’s interview.
So I mixed business with pleasure. Sue me.
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I was totally sitting on the tacky brown plaid couch, and trying to ignore the latest jock- with- a- boner who was trying to be subtle about checking me out, when a tall… lanky… GORGEOUS… and obviously more mature guy came and sat down next to me. He didn’t even sit at the end of the couch. He sat on the middle cushion and his weight sort of slid me down toward the middle of the couch closer to him. Which I didn’t mind. At all.
Me: So… uh… Hi.
(Have you ever heard of someone having a ‘predatory smile?’ You should have seen the one this guy threw my direction! Only it wasn’t like creepy or anything. It was like magnetic or something and just made me want to slide closer.)
J: Hello there...
Me: Nice party, right?
J: I suppose. Kind of lame. It just got a bit better though. Beer?
Me: OH... um. No. I got some of the punch from the kitchen…
J: Right, the punch. Be careful with that. Or don't. Whatever.
Me: Totally. How about if I promise to be at least a little careful?
J: All right kiddo, just don't get sloppy.
Me: Well… being too careful isn’t really much fun, now is it?
(Well, THAT seemed to have gotten his attention.)
J: Oh, you're looking for fun then?
Me: That's why I'm here. Or rather... that's why my cousin brought me here. But to be honest... she's probably having a little too much fun right now of the non-careful variety. And she totally ditched me out here.
J: What's your cousin's name...maybe I know her. Or maybe I want to know her.
(No way! Was he actually looking for a hook-up with my cousin? I’m way cuter. Plus, I saw him first!)
Me: Nice. You haven't even asked MY name, but you want to know my cousins? Whatever.
J: Sorry, honey, just trying to make conversation. Why don't you tell me your name so I don't have to call you something lame and generic like ‘Beautiful.’
(He was like, totally forgiven.)
Me: Jessica. What's yours?
J: Jasper, and it's a pleasure Miss Jessica.
(Okay. So I admit, I might have giggled a little bit. But in my defense, I had already had a cup and a half of the punch and this guy was cuter than Chase Crawford.)
Me: Jasper? That's really... kinda cool. Different. We both start with J. And now I'm pretty sure the punch is spiked. Did I really just say that? That both our names start with J? That's lame. Oh my God.
J: Uhh...right. Yeah, the punch is definitely spiked. With about eight kinds of somethin'. It's okay though, it was cute.
Me: It's just that... I mean... I'm totally working on this thing right now for school that is going to help me become a television journalist someday. And I really can't believe I said something that made me sound so weird. I am usually very well-spoken. Professional, even.
J: School, huh. High School? Like the school paper? Don't worry about it, sweetheart, you sound very professional. But you might wanna stop with the punch right about now. What are you working on?
Me: I have my own feature in the Forks High Herald. And I interview different interesting people from the area. It's totally fun, so far. And I'm being syndicated now to a few websites. So I'm kinda a big deal. Yes... putting down the punch now. You have really pretty eyes. Okay. Just one more drink. Alright. Now I’m done.
J: Okay, the Forks Herald? Forks? Hmm. Uh, thanks. You have a pretty...(His eyes were totally on my chest. And they stayed there for a really long time. I TOLD you I looked cute.)...face.
Me: Thanks.
J: So what's this feature about?
Me: Anything I want it to be about. I'm the boss.
J: You sound pretty fucking important, then.
Me: Unless I lose the gig. Because I totally should be working on my next feature instead of drinking cough syrup out of a dixie cup at this crappy party. No offense. I mean... I'm kinda glad I'm here. Now.
J: None taken, it ain't my party. Since we're both kind of bored...maybe I can help you with your next feature?
Me: Are you serious? Because I mean... I could totally... well I could interview you. I guess. If you wanted to?
J: Yeah, sure why not. I think I could make a pretty decent subject. Better than any of the other jokers in this place. I mean you could go talk to my friend Peter over there if you want. He could give you a four hour Photoshop tutorial or tell you about his cat, Boots.
Me: Is he gay?
J: He claims he's not, but until I have some kind of photographic evidence...
Me: You... on the other hand... are not setting off my gaydar. At all.
J: Honey, I couldn't be any less gay.
Me: Okay. So... Jasper. Is it okay if I move a little closer? I mean... It's kinda of loud in here to do an interview. And my skirt is way too short for me to suggest that we find someplace more private to talk.
(He totally mumbled something about taking candy from a baby… I don’t know. The music was loud.)
J: By all means.... Although... there are plenty more private places, if you really can't hear.
I promise to be somewhat gentlemanly.
Me: Somewhat? Is that like me promising to be a little careful?
J: Everything in moderation...including moderation...
Me: I like that! So... Jasper. Wanna tell me where you're from?
J: Born and bred in San Antonio, Texas. Dragged to this sweltering desert against my will over a year ago.
Me: And so what are you doing at this party? I mean... you don't really fit in with the rest of these guys so much...
J: It was something to do... my friend James, his girlfriend goes to St. Mary's - where most of these kids are from. She's the little black-haired girl over there. Anyway, I uh... well I guess was just seeing what the scene was like.
Me: Catholic school? Figures. I caught some guy in a letterman's jacket trying to slip a decongestant into my drink earlier. Hate to tell him... but a Sudafed isn't exactly a roofie. Like what? I was going to get clear sinuses and automatically jump on him? I don't think so.
J: High school guys are such amateurs. Don't waste your time...
Me: I don't. Ever. I like... more mature men. How old are you, Jasper?
J: There are plenty of dudes out there who don't need help from pharmaceuticals. I'm 22... does that qualify as more mature?
Me: The fact that you've only looked at my boobs like three times since we've started this interview qualifies you as more mature. Mr. Letterman's jacket wouldn't be so discrete.
J: Yeah, well, tits are tits. There's only so much to see with all those clothes in the way, anyway, right?
Me: Really? Because mine are pretty nice… See? Made ya look.
J: You didn't have to make me, babe.
Me: You know... I'm a little worried that any minute some girl is going to run into the room and go all Jerry Springer on me like "Get away from my man." Do I need to be worried about that?
J: Well, a lot of girls might like lay claim to the J man, but, no, I'm afraid right now, no one can....
Me: The J man? Seriously?
J: Hell, why not. You never call yourself the J girl? Try it. Chicks love it. Not that that's what you're going for... or are you adventurous?
Me: Eighth grade summer camp totally doesn't count dude.
J: I would love to hear more about eigth grade summer camp…
Me: I would love to hear more about YOU. Hey... if I told you that this couch is making the back of my legs feel itchy... would you let me sit on your lap?
J: Well, normally you wouldn't even need to make up some lame excuse like that, but uh...see the black-haired girl, if she sees that...I'm kind of fucked.
Me: Oh really? Well I wasn't really going to sit on your lap. I was joking. Totally. Like… scientific survey for the purpose of the interview and all that. Really. But why would she care?
J: Right. 'Course you were. She's friends with this girl that I had...hell, this sounds like some lame high school shit - no offense - but... I was sort of with her friend...
And I'm not but I was kind of a dick and I'm trying to be less of a dick now, you know.
Me: Wow. That's really deep.
J: Yeah, it was pretty intense. Snarky brat. Doesn't mean you can't move a little closer, though. It's a free country.
Me: You know what Jasper? I don't mind sitting a little closer. Because while you've got that whole hot-older-boy dangerous-guy thing going on... underneath it all I think you're really just a pretty decent person. The kinda guy who wouldn't let me drink a decongestant. Even if you probably wouldn't tell me that I was flashing my panties on accident.
J: Well, I don't know about that whole dangerous thing...but I don't think I'd really NEED to make you drink a decongestant. But you're right, that's pretty shitty. I like a willing participant, you know? As for the panties. Well, pink is definitely your color.
(Ha! I KNEW it!)
Me: Trust me on the dangerous part. You’re too charming and way too hot. That’s a dangerous combination. Speaking of dangerous... I probably should find my cousin.
J: Heh. Gonna bust up her fun? That's kind of mean...
Me: Her kind of fun normally ends up in a free clinic.
J: Fair enough, then. Free clinic fun is shady. Although, I'm still wondering if I know her...
(I took a side look at the little brunette across the room to see if I could maybe get away with spending a little time alone with this guy anyway.)
Me: So... would your friend totally freak out if you ... went with me? To like.. you know... help me find my cousin? I'm pretty sure... she's probably in one of the back rooms or something.
J: I uh...well, I suppose I could help you look for her. Sounds harmless, really. Not like Bella isn't all up on that teenage hair model's jock....,
Me: I don’t even know who Bella is. But I promise... If you'll remain somewhat a gentleman... I'll keep being a little careful. Everything in moderation, right?
J: Sounds good. Between the two, I figure we have a good chance of avoiding the free clinic, J-girl.
Me: Let's go. J-man.
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So, anyway… that’s it. In case you were wondering… he really did remain SOMEWHAT of a gentleman. But a girl doesn’t kiss and tell. Ya know? Brilliant work, if I do say so myself. I met my deadline and found a cure for school burn-out all in one night of fun!
** Editor’s Note:
Jessica,
Flirting with a boy at some party is NOT an interview! Do NOT try to pass this sort of thing off as your work again. And we’re going to have a talk about that punch, Miss Stanley!
**